So I started attending Brigham Young University Provo this last Fall and because of circumstances couldn't seem to get a job during either semester. What's more, I failed to keep a respectable GPA last semester and thus am close to be kicked out of the school unless my grades improve noticeably this semester. Unfortunately, I really can't predict how this semester is going to turn out and thus, since my parents have been supporting me financially, I will be returning this summer for a time indeterminable. I understand that they need me to find a job but with the current economic situation, jobs are hard to come by in California for youth. I can only pray and try my hardest to get a job.
Sadly though, I am not sure when I will be able to return to college. I'm worried by this, understandably, because there are so many examples of people saying "I'll just take a year off and then start again" but they never do. I hope that I don't turn into one of those people. As I have mentioned before, the economy isn't looking so hot and eventually I am going to have to live on my own. My parents can't support me forever, I know this.
I just can't help but wonder where the years have gone. I'm 19 years old and I can still remember anticipating such birthdays as my 14th (the age at which I'd be allowed to attend dances), 16th (where I would be able to date and drive), and of course the 18th (adulthood and finally breaking the "barrier"). However, those years have come and gone and now I look ominously forward to the day of the beginning of my 20th year and I wonder how I will ever survive.
About three years ago, I made a promise to my mother and myself that I wouldn't even think about getting married until I turned 20, being a year older than she when she married my father, but still young enough to be able to "have fun" with the idea of getting married. I very much liked the idea of waiting until twenty, but as the months fall away and I get every nearer the age, I wonder if I really will get married when I hit the "magic age" or soon thereafter or if I will become one of the people who just never finds the person that they want to be with for the rest of their lives.
Don't get me wrong, I have plenty of crushes. Unfortunately, the majority of them are pre-misson (the boys that are my age but who will soon be going on the two year missions mandated by my church). However, there is one young man who has caught my attention that is post-mission and has just turned 22 as of February. This isn't a bad age difference seeing as I myself had just turned 19 the month before. He is nice and has an enjoyable personality. Things seem to be very comfortable when I sit beside him, when I talk to him, when he drives me at the usual speeds that would cause me to cling tightly to the oh-crap-handle and look menacingly at whomever is driving. Sadly, I have no clue if it's just a one-sided infatuation or not.
This past weekend, I participated in Dance Sport and on the Saturday, I returned in the evening after having been dropped from the Samba competition earlier in the day to come and watch him and his partner seeing as they were still going. They only competed one more round before they were let go (which shocked most along with the loss of the most evidently BEST performers that had been on stage) and he spoke of leaving soon. I had turned to him and said I would be staying longer so that if he wanted to stay too he could hang out with me.
At first, I thought he had decided to stay, which of course made me happy but once the Samba competition was over he said he was going to leave. He grabbed his jacket after changing out of his dance shoes and moved to a more open space to put his jacket on. I felt a pin prick my heart as I followed him to the open space and watched for a moment as he put on his jacket. When he'd gotten his arms into the sleeves, I moved closer and held my arms out to hug him. He accepted with his warm smile and I hugged him tightly for just a moment before quickly letting go and returning to my seat after bidding him a good night. A minute or two later, I glanced back to see him still "preparing" to leave and he looked at me at that moment and caught my eyes. I quickly turned my gaze to the dance floor to only have my head turn back to look at him again to watch him leave.
He'd looked down for a moment and as I turned to look at him, he, too, returned his gaze to mine. Before I turned my face away (the look on mine obviously being sad and somewhat disappointed, I'm sure) a look came onto his face as though he was trying to figure something out or having some internal discussion with himself that had left him perplexed. I forced myself to keep my eyes on the dance floor for a a couple more minutes to turn and see if he was gone yet. I saw him, literally, dashing up the stairs (which is a pretty intense thing to do on the steep steps of the Marriot Center) and watched him disappear into the portal. About ten minutes later, I sent him a text wishing him a good weekend and followed it with a PS statement saying "I wish you would have stayed".
I may seem pretty pathetic/clingy/whatever, but it was really sad and I have no idea what he thinks of me, whether it be good or bad. And the look he wore has been haunting me for the last 24 and then some hours.
Well, it's time for bed. I can only hope that things will be clearer in the morning.
