Should I be blogging right now? Probably not. However, when your mind is so crammed full of craziness like mine is currently, you just need to sit down and write it out sometimes, you know?
I turned 21 just a few months ago and here I stand, still single, attending school, working part time and tackling a calling in my ward as well as I can. Most people in the Mormon culture tend to look at a young woman of my age and ask the following: are you getting married? do you have a boyfriend? And if the answer is no or even not yet to either of these questions it is proposed that you get yourself out into the mission field as a missionary of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
I have a strong testimony on the truthfulness of the gospel and the correctness of my church but that doesn't mean I need to go on a mission. It also doesn't mean that I need to hurry on up and get married. Funny thing about marriage is that it is a two way commitment-- in other words, you need a man and a woman, not just a woman with the burning desire to get married. And thus, here I stand.
No, I'm not hunting down a man but neither am I sitting passively by the way hoping that someone will take notice of me.
I will, however, admit to joining the ranks of the hurt and struggling young women who have their patience tried day in and day out by the amiable and wonderful bachelors that surround them (especially those of us attending Brigham Young University). At the risk of being told that I am judging these boys, I also admit to looking around my little singles' ward and seeing the outstanding gentlemen and asking myself, "Why are they still single?" Who knows? Perhaps they actively go on dates with girls outside of the ward and just aren't finding a correct fit but when that happens why not go on dates with the girls in the ward?
Some guys start their justification by saying, "I'm too poor!" Or, "I don't really have the money to take girls on dates." Okay. I'll give you all a hint: you don't have to spend a ton of money on every date you go on! Of course there are times when you want to take a girl to do something really special but that can wait for later on in your getting to know a girl. I can't tell you how many dates I've been on that I count as amazingly sweet, special, thoughtful, and FUN that either cost nothing or hardly anything at all.
For example: one date I went on included going to Provo River after each couple (it being a group date) had constructed a boat out of pieces of trash found in our respective poor-man's trash cans. We took pictures and raced the boats down river (of course chasing after them and picking them up when they would go no further). After this we went back to an apartment and watched a movie with hot chocolate. Yes there was expense later seen because of the hot chocolate because those who supplied the mix ran out a little faster than usual but really! $2 maybe?
Another date I went on, had just my date and myself. We went to a little hiking trail and walked for a few hours, ending up at his house and eating a little meal before I went home. On our "trek" my date had supplied water, simple sandwiches and a piece of fruit each. Yes, there was some expense in that but not as much as there would have been had we gone to dinner and a movie and I could have easily contributed supplies had he asked.
Another confession that I (and possibly other girls my age) have is that we do have our eyes and hopes on specific people. However, you simply cannot expect that we will be forever on the side just in case it doesn't work out with the girl that you prefer to make an advance on first. I understand this goes both ways but when the ball is in your court, you had better pick it up before someone kicks it into the freeway begging you to get hit by a car to get that last chance.
It is painful.
Learning when you have done all you can and learning when it is a good idea to move past the possibilities you dreamed of just years before. I have understood that if I was a priority, I would not be writing this blog or be hitting my head against the wall any more.
I will probably always love you seeing as I haven't stopped all these years but my heart cannot hold out forever. May we meet again, whole and happy.
